Matthew Ballinger's Journal

Subject:	Yeah
Time:	8:50 am.

I am updating just to talk. I feel so bad for Erin and I don't agree that Mike should stay there, but what can I do? I'm just afraid that next time it will be her neck that's broken. That's all I'm saying.

Tuesday, November 26th, 2002

(3 song/s \sing a tune)

Subject:	Luv
Time:	5:17 pm.

love's not free. at least not for all people. sometimes you have to struggle to find it, and then when you do, it's ripped away from you.

erin and i are growing apart. i knew it had to happen. maybe that's why i kept leaving, kept pushing her away, because i was afraid...?

but hey, no hard feelings. i guess life's just a game and if you loose, who cares, right? except maybe the looser.

but anyway, yeah. my update. dont you all feel special...?

Sunday, November 24th, 2002

(2 song/s \sing a tune)

Subject:	I...
Time:	5:47 pm.

Well, I guess it had to happen eventually.

Monday, November 11th, 2002

Subject:	Update
Time:	6:26 pm.

Mandy called. She said she hasn't seen me in a while and misses me. So I went over there today and hung out and watched TV and talked, and that was my day.

Chao

Sunday, November 10th, 2002

Subject:	Here
Time:	3:45 pm.

I can deal with this. I will try to keep our relationship going. It means so much to me.

*picks up the phone and calls Erin*

Friday, November 8th, 2002

(2 song/s \sing a tune)

Subject:	Me
Time:	7:50 pm.

I'm not saying anything was Erin's fault. I'll call her 5 times a day if I have to. I'm just saying that I think I'm seriously messed up. I have a hard time dealing with things, especially relationships. Please give me some time, Erin, if you can. I need help here.

Wednesday, November 6th, 2002

Subject:	:(
Time:	11:42 am.

So it's true. Erin's going to break up with me if I don't get my act together. How did I get myself into this? I started out calling her every night, and then I only called her every other night, and then every week or so, and now i hardly ever call her. So i guess it's my fault. of course.

see, things like this are the reason I left last August. Sometimes i just cannot deal.

Monday, November 4th, 2002

(3 song/s \sing a tune)

Subject:	Rumor
Time:	4:12 pm.
Mood:	depressed.

i've heard a rumor that erin's going to dump me...i wish people would stop spreading these things. and if it's true then, well.

Sunday, September 29th, 2002

Subject:	Poll
Time:	12:55 pm.

Anyone think I should change the layout of my journal?

Wednesday, September 18th, 2002

Subject:	NEWS
Time:	7:38 pm.

Item # 1: Erin and I are NOT going to break up, so everyone stop telling me to dump her because she's not my type!

Iten #2: I am comming back home! OK, so I had my month of freedom, but I'm seriously starting to miss my parents and even my annoying brother. I think it's time to get back home, go to skool, etc. Yes, I know everybody's gasping as they read this, but I think I've had enough freedom to last me till next summer.

Sunday, September 15th, 2002

(2 song/s \sing a tune)

Subject:	AHHHHHH
Time:	12:58 pm.

OK! I am SO sick of people telling me I'm treating Erin like dirt! It's getting old already! Every time I update, it seems, I'm telling Erin that I love her. So why does everyone think I don't???????????

Monday, September 9th, 2002

Subject:	Hmmm
Time:	7:50 pm.

Just Imed david, guess it wuz a bad idea. He said mom + dad have contacted the police because i ran away.

u know, i feel sorry 4 them and everything but TOUGH! i'm not 12 anymore! I have a life and i need to start living it! be wild! isn't that what being a teenager is all about? what have i been doing my whole life? getting good grades, being the Good Boy??? Look where that got me! Depression! Suicide! Shrink after shrink, all squinting their eyes at me, trying to figure me out.

i saw a possible job in the newspaper. dog babysitter. Not much, but i wanna earn money. not just for a pad and food but for a motorcycle. A hog. That's what i wanna buy. my dream.

i picture myself riding down the road, wind blowing my hair (no helmets for ME, baby!), free as a bird.

but first food. and an apartment. and of course, money to go online. then the cycle.

dog sitting here we come!

Subject:	Sure is great, on my own...
Time:	7:18 pm.

I'm at the internet cafe again, just had a cup of coffe and now I'm updating. What's new? I'M ON MY OWN!!! WHOOOOO! Okay, i know that sounds completly self-centered cause i know a lot of ppl will miss me and everything, but i'm FREE!!! FINALLY!!!

brb. gotta check the yellow pages 4 a job. Money's getting low. maybe i shouldn't get online so often...

Sunday, September 8th, 2002

Subject:	GONE
Time:	7:55 am.

I'm at an internet cafe, just updating so everyone knows I'm not dead. Infact, I feel SOOOOO ALIVE!!!

I AM ON MY OWN!!!

Monday, September 2nd, 2002

Subject:	So
Time:	7:53 pm.

in responce to David's entry...

1. ditto
2. sure. just make it convincing
3. of course, even thought she doesnt think so
4. in a few years, when everything settles down
5. i plan to

goodbye david

Subject:	washington
Time:	7:38 pm.

we reached washington this morning.

and you all know what that means.

Saturday, August 31st, 2002

Subject:	David
Time:	8:18 am.

the perfect life. david has the perfect life. friends, fun, good grades, happyhappyhappy.

he is the yin. the white part. the happyhappyhappy sun.

i am the yang. the black. the sadsadsad moon. the night.

but the moon can block out the sun. solar eclipse. happens every seven years.

is this my year to shine? to block out the sun? to have one moment to myself, me me me, to steal the glory, hog the stage, take my curtain call?

we reached iowa today. another week or so till washington.

what am i going to do?

Friday, August 30th, 2002

Subject:	silence
Time:	5:06 pm.

i am silent.
silence.
silent silence.

david says i dont have the guts to leave.
watch me, davey-boy.
and watch ur back.

Tuesday, August 27th, 2002