Matthew Ballinger

Winter

Sat, 14 Dec 2002 13:11:52 GMT

I think the holidays are so nice. cold air. lights twinkling. icicle lights especially. not as many of those this year as there were last year. anyway, it hasn't snowed in a few days, and i'm starting to get used to the rain. it makes it so much easier to go to school. that was sarcasm by the way. rain, rain, go away. snow and ice should last all year round, in my opinion. can't you just see the Yankees playing ball in a blizzard?

anyway, hot choco is calling, and i need to spend some time with erin. chao

Yeah

Fri, 06 Dec 2002 05:53:19 GMT

I am updating just to talk. I feel so bad for Erin and I don't agree that Mike should stay there, but what can I do? I'm just afraid that next time it will be her neck that's broken. That's all I'm saying.

Luv

Tue, 26 Nov 2002 14:20:40 GMT

love's not free. at least not for all people. sometimes you have to struggle to find it, and then when you do, it's ripped away from you.

erin and i are growing apart. i knew it had to happen. maybe that's why i kept leaving, kept pushing her away, because i was afraid...?

but hey, no hard feelings. i guess life's just a game and if you loose, who cares, right? except maybe the looser.

but anyway, yeah. my update. dont you all feel special...?

I...

Sun, 24 Nov 2002 14:48:47 GMT

Well, I guess it had to happen eventually.

Update

Mon, 11 Nov 2002 15:34:16 GMT

Mandy called. She said she hasn't seen me in a while and misses me. So I went over there today and hung out and watched TV and talked, and that was my day.

Chao

Here

Sun, 10 Nov 2002 12:47:16 GMT

I can deal with this. I will try to keep our relationship going. It means so much to me.

*picks up the phone and calls Erin*

Me

Fri, 08 Nov 2002 16:52:51 GMT

I'm not saying anything was Erin's fault. I'll call her 5 times a day if I have to. I'm just saying that I think I'm seriously messed up. I have a hard time dealing with things, especially relationships. Please give me some time, Erin, if you can. I need help here.

:(

Wed, 06 Nov 2002 08:45:50 GMT

So it's true. Erin's going to break up with me if I don't get my act together. How did I get myself into this? I started out calling her every night, and then I only called her every other night, and then every week or so, and now i hardly ever call her. So i guess it's my fault. of course.

see, things like this are the reason I left last August. Sometimes i just cannot deal.

Rumor

Mon, 04 Nov 2002 13:13:47 GMT

i've heard a rumor that erin's going to dump me...i wish people would stop spreading these things. and if it's true then, well.

Poll

Sun, 29 Sep 2002 09:57:29 GMT

Anyone think I should change the layout of my journal?

NEWS

Wed, 18 Sep 2002 16:41:44 GMT

Item # 1: Erin and I are NOT going to break up, so everyone stop telling me to dump her because she's not my type!

Iten #2: I am comming back home! OK, so I had my month of freedom, but I'm seriously starting to miss my parents and even my annoying brother. I think it's time to get back home, go to skool, etc. Yes, I know everybody's gasping as they read this, but I think I've had enough freedom to last me till next summer.

AHHHHHH

Sun, 15 Sep 2002 09:58:27 GMT

OK! I am SO sick of people telling me I'm treating Erin like dirt! It's getting old already! Every time I update, it seems, I'm telling Erin that I love her. So why does everyone think I don't???????????

Hmmm

Mon, 09 Sep 2002 16:55:17 GMT

Just Imed david, guess it wuz a bad idea. He said mom + dad have contacted the police because i ran away.

u know, i feel sorry 4 them and everything but TOUGH! i'm not 12 anymore! I have a life and i need to start living it! be wild! isn't that what being a teenager is all about? what have i been doing my whole life? getting good grades, being the Good Boy??? Look where that got me! Depression! Suicide! Shrink after shrink, all squinting their eyes at me, trying to figure me out.

i saw a possible job in the newspaper. dog babysitter. Not much, but i wanna earn money. not just for a pad and food but for a motorcycle. A hog. That's what i wanna buy. my dream.

i picture myself riding down the road, wind blowing my hair (no helmets for ME, baby!), free as a bird.

but first food. and an apartment. and of course, money to go online. then the cycle.

dog sitting here we come!

Sure is great, on my own...

Mon, 09 Sep 2002 16:23:34 GMT

I'm at the internet cafe again, just had a cup of coffe and now I'm updating. What's new? I'M ON MY OWN!!! WHOOOOO! Okay, i know that sounds completly self-centered cause i know a lot of ppl will miss me and everything, but i'm FREE!!! FINALLY!!!

brb. gotta check the yellow pages 4 a job. Money's getting low. maybe i shouldn't get online so often...

GONE

Sun, 08 Sep 2002 04:50:39 GMT

I'm at an internet cafe, just updating so everyone knows I'm not dead. Infact, I feel SOOOOO ALIVE!!!

I AM ON MY OWN!!!

So

Mon, 02 Sep 2002 16:54:52 GMT

in responce to David's entry...

1. ditto
2. sure. just make it convincing
3. of course, even thought she doesnt think so
4. in a few years, when everything settles down
5. i plan to

goodbye david

washington

Mon, 02 Sep 2002 16:39:00 GMT

we reached washington this morning.

and you all know what that means.

David

Sat, 31 Aug 2002 05:23:04 GMT

the perfect life. david has the perfect life. friends, fun, good grades, happyhappyhappy.

he is the yin. the white part. the happyhappyhappy sun.

i am the yang. the black. the sadsadsad moon. the night.

but the moon can block out the sun. solar eclipse. happens every seven years.

is this my year to shine? to block out the sun? to have one moment to myself, me me me, to steal the glory, hog the stage, take my curtain call?

we reached iowa today. another week or so till washington.

what am i going to do?

silence

Fri, 30 Aug 2002 14:07:28 GMT

i am silent.
silence.
silent silence.

david says i dont have the guts to leave.
watch me, davey-boy.
and watch ur back.

I'm not mad at Erin

Tue, 27 Aug 2002 22:24:35 GMT

i wish things were different. i wish life was perfect and we could all grow up happy with sunshine and flowers and people who loved us cause we loved them.

i love erin, and i know she loves me and i guess i've been a jerk throughout our whole relationship, and i wish moving in w/ her would bring us together.

but i'm leaving in six hours and i cant stop it. and comming back is not an option, not when jesse hates me and david hates me and rachel hates me and my parents hate me.

erin, i'll drop you a line from washington. come and visit me soon. i'll try to get a job, get my own place.

start a new life.

love you.

goodbye for now

hit the road

Tue, 27 Aug 2002 19:30:20 GMT

read david's journal. i dont feel like explaining why we're leving. it's too depressing. i should have never come back. even better, i should have killed myself and not just tried to. that's the problem with me. i never finnish what i start.

even now.

i bought a pad, i moved my stuff, and i still end up here. in the family's house.

i'm not going to kill myself again. it never works. you're almost dead, then someone saves you. so you can live in this crappy world another 50 years. 60 even.

eternity.

no. if i want to escape this life i'll have to do it properly. finnish the job for once. never look back.

moving to the next block wont work. i just end up back at home/hell.

i'll have to move out of new york city. out of the state. across the usa.

where no one can find me.

yeah, i'll go on their stupid road trip.
but i wont come back.

i promise.

going

Tue, 27 Aug 2002 18:53:22 GMT

back to skool in T-6 days. maybe. i havent decided if i'm gonna go or not.

miss ern.

new news: i'm movin' out. yep. bought my own apartment yesterday a few blocks away so i can come home for christmas and stuff. mom n' dad dont know yet. dad's away on a business trip and mom has been comming home late the last couple of weeks. some work thing. anyway, by the time she gets home today i'll be gone. i've just finnished packing my things and i'm all ready to leave.

david knows. he doesnt care. bet he's gonna be glad to get rid of me once and for all.

chao

The Sound of Silence

Sat, 24 Aug 2002 19:46:18 GMT

everybody's so quiet here. no one posts. no one replies to posts. there's nothing to do. i dont feel like using capital letters.

david goes back to school on monday. i dont go for another week.

wonder if he's mad

but i dont care

hmmm

I...

Wed, 14 Aug 2002 20:40:16 GMT

I...

love erin

dont hate david

am going on a road trip

am going to start a new life

am growing up

am growing stronger

am starting off new

am matt ballinger.

Any questions?

Ugh

Tue, 06 Aug 2002 23:37:53 GMT

Why does David hate me? What did I ever do to him?

Note to Jesse: I dont FEEL like getting online. Tough it out.

*sigh*

I dont mean to sound so crabby. I guess I'm just tired.

Sorry Jesse, I shouldnt have said that. I guess I'm just really really screwed up.

But I'm not a brat like David said.

I feel like leaving NY. Getting away from these feelings. Anyone up for a road trip?